this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Breaking news:
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Meow
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.