DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
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Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver