this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.