Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.