I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.