My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…