Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985