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surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
☠️☠️☠️
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.