If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*