If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
The 6 types of sex
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
oh ffs josh did you not read the email