20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
May have had one breakfast too many
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.