Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam