Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
You Might Also Like
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.