ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’ve had relationships like this
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money