I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts