Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
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I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Lmaoo 😂
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you