It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
What an awful time to have common sense.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
sistine chapel
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.