Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.