[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Never ghost your hitman.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons