“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.