When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.