If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.