This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Miscakes
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*