Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
man: wait
time: no
It was worth a shot 😂
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.