Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’m calling the cops.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?