*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Every time.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
😂🤣😂🤣
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.