Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Choose your fighter
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.