keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Selfie
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Traveler’s camo
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?