*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
You Might Also Like
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
me opening up to someone
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”