Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings