My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.