the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Autocorrect completely socks
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
That time Alicia messaged me
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Mornin
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.