Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
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My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I remember when things only cost an arm.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Wikigenius
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.