Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Okay me first
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???