I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
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public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe