ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’ve been drinking.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one