Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You Might Also Like
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“TGIM!” – My liver
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes