I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Catering service
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.