You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?