WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
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Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Love is in the air fryer.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
adam and eve had first world problems
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Just a friendly reminder!
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
6: are snakes just neck?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I hope it’s French Onion!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?