waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
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Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.