I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?