me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes