They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Happy Febuary everyone!
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”