I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?