me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️