I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts