[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Hard not to take this personally
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Your secret is safeish with me
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.