Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash