GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.